cravating | (no subject)

[He looks a little uncomfortable by that change of topic. Like talking about beating people up made Matt think of Simon? Not a good sign. He shifts a little in his chair, his fingertips toying at the rim of his glass.]

He's good. Busy, but good.

[ Well fuck. Does Nate think he wants to beat Simon up? Is that who he thinks he is now? Maybe it is who he is now. He doesn't want it to be. Fuck fuck fuck. He should have probably not come here. ]

Cool. [ And let's have some beer. ]

[They sit in silence for a moment. Nate takes a drink of his beer, trying to decide if he should just ignore it or--]

You don't like him much, do you?

[No, they're apparently going to talk about it.]

[ oh shit, this is not the conversation that he wants. At all. ]

Doesn't matter what I think as long as he makes you happy, Nate.

Sort of does matter, actually. [He says, setting his drink down and looking right at Matt, like oh boy this is happening.] Matters to me.

[ Well that shocks him. It's kind of unexpected. He could see why he'd care a few years ago, but now? He doesn't really hide the shock, pausing his glass midway to his mouth. ]

He should have been there with you tonight, that's all. You deserve better than an excuse, mate.

[Nate glances down.]

We've just got our own stuff going on. He comes when he can.

Difference being, mate, is you'd cancel your shit if he had something special going on. He wouldn't even have to ask.

[ he knows because, well, Nate cancelled shit to go to his shows before now. ]

Well.. yeah, but that's different. [Is it though?]

[ he laughs, because shut the fuck up is it ] No it's fucking not. You just deserve the best, mate, that's all.

He's great. [Not the best, though. He sure didn't say that. Weird.] Really.

[He's quiet for a bit.]

He, uh- asked me to move in with him.

[ That has him lifting his head and shifting a bit. He didn't come here to talk to you about your stupid rich boyfriend, Nathan, fuck. But apparently they are. ]

Oh yeah? Nice. You gonna do it?

I told him I need to think about it. [He gives a little shrug. It feels weird to be talking about it with Matt, like he's doing something he shouldn't.]

Do you think I should?

[ nope nope nope, he is noping right out of that. He smacks a hand down on the table and raises both hands. ]

Not fucking touching that. You really think I'm the person you should be asking? You do you, nobody can tell you you're wrong. I can't tell you what you're feeling. You love him then sure, do it. But fuck if I know.

Who else am I going to ask? [He says before he even thinks about the words coming out of his mouth. Well, that happened. So he might as well add:]

No one knows me better than you.

[ That seems to catch his breath a little and he pauses a moment. ]

Oh I dunno. Laura or Kelly or Sam or what about Donna? [ oh look at their old friendship group that are apparently all women. Women who Matt hasn't spoken to since he left. ]

[There's a lot he can say. Like how Laura got married and doesn't really pop up much except to like shit on Facebook. Or how Kelly got a new job that moved her to the middle of fucking nowhere. And Sam's just announced she's pregnant so she's not really in the right place to be giving anyone advice. As for Donna? Well, Donna's nice but sort of dim. Not really interested in chatting her up about serious life stuff.

But he doesn't say that. He just looks up from his glass and finds Matt's gaze, holding it for a moment before shrugging one shoulder.]

They're not you, are they?

[ That's... direct, and unexpected. Matt isn't entirely sure what to do with it. He thought that they'd meet up and skirt around all the important shit and talk about crap that doesn't matter. They had an important talk before, where Matt said a lot of sorries, but since then it was always just polite and chatty. ]

Nate... [ he says on a long breath out. ]

I know. [Does he? He thinks so, but maybe not. It's all weird but this is important to him.]

Just miss you, that's all. And yeah- I know- that's really fucking queer or whatever, but hey... that's me, right?

[ It's so fucking complicated; it twists his insides inside out. He shouldn't like hearing that he's missed. But he does, a bit. And it's wrong, he knows its wrong. He supposed he'd hope that his feelings for him might have just been an in the moment thing. It's confusing and more than a bit scary, but they're still there, and he can't help but think of the shit Andrew was saying. ]

No it's not. It's... It's fine. You be as queer as you like, And with that haircut you definitely are. [ good diversion? probably not, no. ]

Is it fine? [He knows Matt uses humor to get away from topics that he doesn't want to go into. But he's going to push his luck a little.]

Doesn't feel fine.

[ He looks at him like... are they going to argue? Is he going to get a telling off. He deserves that, he's sure. But he's not really hoping for it. ]

So what, you think I'm going to flip again?

What? No, Matt, I don't think.. I mean do you think I'd be here if I thought that? I'm not an idiot.

[He's not going to put himself in danger. He doesn't think Matt's dangerous to be around.]

But things have been... I mean, they aren't fine, are they?

[ He's... well, kind of relieved? He'd feel sick to think Nate thought that, even though he'd have every right to. But the probing makes him frown. He doesn't really get it, genuinely kind of lost. Is this that subtext thing? Where something has been going on that he actually has no idea about? ]

Aren't they? I thought we were getting on. I mean that's why you text me earlier, right? Why we've met up for a pint.

Okay, so they're fine. Means you'll come by for dinner sometime, yeah? Come for my next show? Won't be weird at all?

[He raises both eyebrows like no it's not likely to happen at all, is it?]

I'm telling you I miss you, miss things being easy with us, and you just--

[He cuts himself off abruptly and shakes his head.]