cravating | (no subject)

I wanked you off didn't I? Doesn't mean I'm about to start putting dick in my mouth.

Remember how you said to tell you if you're being a twat?

Do you want me to lie and just say I'd be cool with it when you know I wouldn't

No, but it'd be nice if you were willing to let it be something to possibly discuss in the future. Not just say it's too gay. You're not going to level up in gay like it's some video game, Matt.

I think fucking a man has already unlocked a few achievements where that's concerned don't you? Still can't pretend I'd be okay with something i wouldn't. No point getting your hopes up when I'd just freak out..

What freaks you out about it? And I mean that seriously. I want to understand.

It's a dick Nate. Men have dicks. I can fuck an arse of a woman, I can wank my own dick, but I can't shove my own dick in my mouth. It's gay. Proper gay. I'm not trying to be a twat but it just freaks me out. I can go down on a woman all day long but if I think of a dick in my mouth I just imagine what my da would say.

[ and oh look there's the root of all these problems, said in a throwaway sentence ]

He's not going to say anything, Matt. I'm not telling him and you're sure as hell not. What he thinks doesn't matter anyway. You go on and on about what a prick he is, so what does it matter what he thinks?

Because I can still imagine what he'd say and do if he found out. Worse than what I did to you.

It's not going to happen, Matt. I wouldn't let it.

You wouldn't be able to stop it Nate. I had years of him telling me how gays were wrong it's in my head can't get it out. Dunno about you but I think I made quite a bit of headway last night though.

You did. And I'm not trying to take away from that. But I just wish you could get him out of your head about this stuff. Even if you never wanted to go down on me or whatever. I wish it was because of what you wanted and not because of what he thinks.

You might have worked out I'm not very good at realising what I want.

I know. And it's okay, but I don't want you shutting things out just because of your fucking asshole of a father. You might enjoy something more than you think.

Doesn't mean I'm about to suck dick, Nate. Da or no da. I've had plenty women who weren't into it too you know. It's not me being a twat.

Yeah, but I don't think any of them told you it was too hetero for them to do it. That's all I'm saying. You're not saying no because you're not into it. You're saying no because you think it would make you too gay. You have no idea if you'd want it. Just said so yourself.

Does it matter why I don't want to do it? I just don't. Did you pressure Simon this much for a blow job?

Didn't have to pressure him at all for one, actually.

[Oh this is going well]

Look, forget I said anything about it. It's not a big deal.

Well ask him for one then.

Don't be like that

Well what I'm offering clearly isn't good enough so just go back to your boyfriend and forget this happened it'd be easier

Would you quit calling him that? I left him for a reason. A reason that can annoy the piss out of me when he tries, but still a good reason.

Sorry. I'm getting a bit me aren't I.

A bit yeah. And I know it's going to happen when I push some stuff, which is why I don't always want to. Especially if you're going to tell me to go back to Simon every time.

[ and there's another gap before he sends this, because it's a fairly biggie ]

I don't want you to go back to Simon. I want you with me.