cravating | (no subject)

[Nate, lost in a euphoric haze doesn't have a comeback at the ready for Matt's comment about getting come on him. He lets out another shaky moan as Matt withdraws and lets his legs fall flat to the mattress with a long, contented sigh.]

Give me a couple hours and I'll think about it. [He murmurs with a quiet laugh as he turns to his side, facing Matt. He leans down and presses a gentle kiss to his shoulder.]

How was it?

[ That comment earns a laugh and a gentle shove in his direction. ]

Like fuck you will. [ He smirks. Maybe eventually, but his instinct reaction is a world of no. After all, that'd be gay. The fact he's just fucked another bloke and still has the evidence going sticky on his hand? Well, that's just a minor detail.

He looks up at the ceiling, still trying to catch his breath and make the world stop spinning. ]

What, do you want marks? [ another laugh, joking for confidence because the real question has a lot deeper meaning. He breathes out and nods, turning his head towards him. ]

Yeah. Yeah pretty fucking great, actually.

[There it is. He's not too surprised by Matt's reaction, and honestly? If he was never interested in it, Nate wouldn't be too upset. But it's good to have it to tease him about. God, it's good to be able to tease him about it at all.

There's a warm, tingling sensation as Matt says it was good. He had assumed, of course, but it was nice to be certain of it, wasn't it?]

You're not so bad yourself. Haven't come like that since I was a teenager.

And just think, that was my first time. [ There's a teasing in it, that he hasn't been with a bloke before so it's a brand new learning curve, that he can still be pretty damn good even despite that. But more than that, it's something else, like a silent promise that there will be a second time, and a third. He's not going to freak out and run off. Or at least he's going to do his very best not to. ]

Live up to expectations? [ he asks, and it could be smug, knowing how many years Nate has wanted to fuck him, but if he admits it, if he digs deep he knows that Nate isn't the only one who wanted it. So it isn't said with a grin, rather a genuine question, with a touch of almost vulnerability to it. What if he changes his mind, he'd have every right to. Nate has a boyfriend that loves him, he can understand the pull of something settled. ]

[He can see the change, the way even his teasing is giving opportunity for more of this, to look towards a future of...whatever this is. It's mad, absolutely mad. But he wants it. All of it, as fucked up as he knows it will be.]

My fantasies couldn't touch the real thing. [He says, completely serious.] Will you stay? Tonight, I mean.

[ How is it he manages to do that? To say something that's completely fucking overwhelming in a breath that seems so easy. It's almost enough to have him choked up, and it silences him for a moment, just looking at him. How could he have ever hurt him like he did? A pang of guilt spikes again, he doubts it'll ever stop. ]

You sure? [ he asks, as though he'd be intruding if he did. But he wants to, he really does. He wonders if that shows, and he doubts it does. He hates that he doesn't know how to make that clear. Does Nate even really realise how he feels about all of this? About him? ]

Just let me go clean up, yeah? [ Nice as lying there is, chilling out still wearing a used condom and a hand covered in come isn't his ideal. ]

[Nate pushes himself up onto his elbow and leans over to press a soft kiss to Matt's lips.]

Never been more sure, actually. [He doesn't really know how Matt feels, and even if he suspected, he would think he was making it up. Matt cares about him, but anything more? He just doesn't know how possible that is. Not for a long while yet. Smiling down at him, he realizes that it doesn't really matter to him if Matt could ever talk about it, clear up how he does or doesn't feel. This is enough for him. Having him back in his life at all would be plenty. This is something more than just that, so he's feeling over the moon lucky about it.]

Go on. But hurry back. [He kisses him briefly again before falling onto his back and stretching out a little.]

[ Matt shoots him a small smile before pushing himself off the bed and heading to the door. He turns down the corridor towards the room he expects is the bathroom and heads in. He cleans himself up, throwing the used condom in the bin with some old dental floss and a piece of tissue. He cleans himself up and gives his hands a good wash before noting he's got come on his chest too. He minds less than he expected to.

For a minute or so he just stares into the bathroom mirror, looking at his reflection and scarcely believing all this has happened. That he's here, that he's been kissing Nate let alone fucking him. This seems like something impossible, but here it is.

He just wishes he could be more eloquent, better with his words like Nate is. Admit things like he can. But his insides are knotted up and twisted and he simply doesn't know how.

Taking a breath he turns to go, only then noticing the second toothbrush in the pot, reminding him of Simon, reminding him what he's breaking up by doing this. He just hopes it doesn't break Nate. Bruises he can recover from, but emotions? Well he was always weaker there. Turning his attention away he heads out and back towards the bedroom, the smell of sex thick in the air. ]

Hey, didn't keep you waiting too long did I?

[Nate watches as he goes, admiring the rest of that finely toned body. Jesus, he's fit. It's nice to look at, better to touch. Nate doesn't think he would mind a little objectification, so he doesn't feel bad about doing it. As Matt slips into the bathroom, he leans his head back on his pillow and lets out a slow breath.

This...really happened. And he's staying the night. Things Nate would have never thought possible. He won't let himself think about what it could mean, what it could be. He told Matt that he had no expectations and he meant that.

Still, it's hard not to imagine. They could do this. Them. Together. Fuck it's a nice thought.

Matt's entrance breaks him from those thoughts.]

Nearly. But you can make it up to me, I think. [He smirks and shifts to make sure there's plenty of room for Matt to crawl back into bed.]

Didn't I already do that? [ he asks, brow raised as he moves down to the bed, the sheets damp and sweaty underneath him.

He settles down there, cock not entirely soft, still reeling from it all, not that his body is anywhere even close to being able to go again. Still, it feels pretty good. He glances over a bit, looking over Nate's body, eyes falling to his crotch. He finds it surprisingly interesting. Or, well, maybe not that surprising. ]

You got to be anywhere in the morning? If you've got the stuff in I could make that breakfast roll thing. [ Something that Matt used to make all the time, incredibly unhealthy of course, bacon and egg and cheese all on a baguette with too much butter. But it became a bit of a ritual. Normal, for them, their little unit. People used to joke about them being joined at the hip, such good friends that they were. ]

[The bed shifts under Matt's weight, and Nate finds his body turning slightly towards the other man as he joins him in bed. It's weird how comfortable they are like this. Naked. Well, Matt's always been comfortable naked but this is a fair bit different, isn't it? He tucks one hand under his head to keep it a little propped up, just enjoying having Matt here, close.]

Not in the morning, no. [He has lunch with Simon but that's about all for his day. He likes to give himself an open day after a showing to let his nerves settle.]

Should have everything. If not, the shop's not far. I could pop out for whatever else we need for it once we're up and around.

[ Matt rests his hand on his own stomach, rubbing a little absently over his abs as he looks towards Nate, their faces close. ]

Whatever you like [ he smiles, glad to just be here, to just have this, easy when it really shouldn't be. Not after everything has happened in the way that it has.

You give pretty amazing head, you know. It's about as close as he can get to admitting feelings, something but hardly any depth to it. He shifts slightly, looking at the ceiling before back at him. ]

You ever slept with a woman?

No, never. [He had a girlfriend when he was a teenager but they hadn't done more than kiss a bit. It had been weird. But he didn't know then why it was that way for him.]

Why? Think I should give it a try?

You never know, you might realise what you've been missing. Might turn you straight. [ He's teasing, he doesn't think just about anything could turn him straight. ]

Though you ever decide to, just you make sure I'm within half an hour away. Wouldn't miss that one. I'd have a front row ticket. [ That is, if he got an invite, of course. Funny how easily he's basically saying he'd like to watch Nate fucking. He doesn't really think of it as that.

There are so many times that they've sat chatting, but never like this, never naked and in bed, strange, yes but still he feels like he can talk to him the same as he ever could. ]

So you got any goss?

Shut up. [He gives him a playful shove.] You've always said I was the gayest bloke you knew. Which I still think isn't fair, by the way. Plenty more that are way more flamboyant about it than me. Just because I'm also an artist doesn't make me twice as gay.

[He says it all with a smile.]

Wanting to check in on people? Plenty of dirt to go 'round.

You put those little milk patterns in the top of your coffee and you're telling me you're not the gayest bloke I know? [ he raises a brow like oh come on now ]

And you're not flamboyant. [ he pulls a face ] Wouldn't fancy you if you were. [ And oh... he's said that. Can't take it back now, even if he does mean it. ]

Shut up.

[Nate's eyebrows raise slightly, not saying anything at first. Fancy him? Well that's... new. Or is it? God, it must be, right?]

Didn't say anything. [He finally says, his voice a little quiet, not sure if he should ask about it or just let it go.]

No but you're thinking it. I know what you're like, Nate. Always fucking thinking. [ Like...he isn't? Not the best choice of words there, Matthew.

He just turns his head to him and gives him a long look. ]

What, do you think this was some sort of pity fuck? Come on, Nathan. [ and yes, must mean business calling him that. ]

I didn't think it was a pity fuck. Christ. [Okay maybe he was a little worried.]

But sex doesn't have to mean anything more than... Look, I just don't want to assume, yeah?

[ Matt just stares at Nate. Fuck, does he really think that? It's all the proof he needs that he really has no fucking clue. God, he wishes it was obvious, he wishes he could just fucking say something. But he can't. It's enough to make him laugh, laugh in his own frustration, annoyed at who he is. What's worse? Is that it doesn't seem to make a difference, it doesn't make him able to say anything, even if he feels like he should just spit it all the fuck out. ]

Fucking hell [ he mumbles under his breath as he shakes his head ]

What? [He props himself up a bit more, sure that he's missing something big here.] What's wrong?

Nothing [ he shakes his head, but it's not nothing is it? None of this is nothing. He's bristling, and that's dangerous he knows, because bristle too much and he'll either lash out or run off and he doesn't want to do either of those things.

He takes a long breath, calm down Matt, come on, don't fuck this all up. ]

Nothing. Just...[ he looks at him, and props up too, before leaning over, grabbing his hand around the side of Nate's face and pulling him in to kiss him. ]

[They've kissed enough tonight for Nate to be less shocked by it, but this particular kiss still takes him by surprise. He lets out a small, muffled mmph sound before melting into it, leaning towards Matt and just enjoying how this feels.

It feels like Matt is trying to say he has feelings for him. Feelings he doesn't know how to talk about. But real feelings.

Slowly, Nate breaks away, breathless from the kiss and the realization. Should he say something? Put words to it for him? He can't, though. All he can say is:]

Oh.

[ Yeah, oh. Very oh. Matt fidgets a little, almost awkwardly. He feels like he's been bared too much here, and he doesn't know how to get back behind that usual facade. Of course the point is he doesn't have to, but then that doesn't seem to enter his mind. So he just changes the subject.

Really badly. ]

So what are you going to say to your boyfriend tomorrow?

[That is..the worst change of topic. Matt, no.

Nate blinks and has nothing to say for a moment.]

Dunno, really. Probably shouldn't open with the fact that I'm in love with someone else, yeah?