cravating | (no subject)

[The little shoves don't bother him, don't scare him. He's seen Matt angry and this isn't it. It's something else. He doesn't bother trying to answer that question because the only one he's got is being in love with him and that's not going to go over well.

But he doesn't need to try to answer. Not when he's being pushed against the wall and Matt's kissing him.

Wait- Matt's kissing him. His eyes widen for a moment, but he's not about to question it. Not even for a fucking second. Instead, he reaches to grab a fistful of that stupid tshirt of his, holding on as he kisses him back for all he's worth.]

[ They're kissing, this is actually a thing that's happening. Matt would be terrified about it if he gave himself chance to be, but he doesn't, because this is complicated enough as it is. And he wants this, oh he really wants this.

His hand lifts and threads into that stupid mop of curls of his, all wet from the rain as his grip holds tight. He doesn't know what to do with it, with any of this. It's not like it's in his comfort zone. He doesn't know whether he should just shove his hand down Nate's trousers and grab his cock right there.

Really, what the fuck is he supposed to do? Apart from hiss him, because he definitely keeps kissing him, lips a little parted and teeth scraping. And then he stops, and takes a breath, shoving him once more against the wall. Only this time his forehead moves forward and rests against his as his chest rises and falls, trying to catch up. ]

Fuck you.

[Every second that passes feels like it stretches into eternity. This is all he's wanted for a long time. He doesn't want to think about what happens next, because most of the options aren't good. Most of them involve Matt freaking out and never speaking to him again...or worse. But right now this feels good, better than that.

It feels like where they belong.

As Matt breaks away, Nate can't form a single word. He feels Matt's forehead pressed to his, their panting breaths mingling as the rain slips around both of their faces.]

Shut up.

[ He's not sure what freaks him out the most; the fact that this just happened, or the fact that because it did he knows he might be liable to run the fuck off. He doesn't want to run off, he missed him, he wants to kiss him and to do things he shouldn't even be thinking about. He can feel it bristling under his skin, something that might make him flip and use it as an excuse. But he can't let it, he can't be that guy.

So he's honest. He tries that. Does his best, at least. ]

I'm petrified. [ Of all of this, of wanting him, and maybe even more than that? Of admitting it. ]

[Matt hasn't moved away, which is a miracle all in itself. He's not going to question it too much, or wonder what's changed. His fingers shift and flex, holding on to Matt's shirt as it gets dampened by the rain. He glances down, distracted by the sight of his mouth, but telling himself to focus.

Those words cut right to his heart. Scared? Matt? He would have never guessed. His expression softens, mouth curving up into a small smile.]

It's alright. I've got you, yeah?

[ Matt's hand is shaking, literally shaking. This is one of the most terrifying moments of his life. He feels like it's important, and he feels even more like he's about to fuck it all up. He's really good at that, after all. Amazing at taking something good and tearing it to shreds.

He can already hear it now, the people saying how he's coming in and ruining Nate's life. He has a good thing going, a good boyfriend with a good career who wants to provide for him. And what's he? A bit of a waster that put him in hospital and can't even handle his own identity. ]

Why did you have to do that? [ He sighs. If he didn't then he could have kept on pretending, he could have acted like he didn't want him like he does. He had been doing a great job at faking it, hadn't he? He shoves his hand against him again.]

You're a prick, you know that? Why did you have to do that? [ Is that rain on his face, or something else? ]

[This reaction from Matt is new and strange. It's not...bad, but Nate's not entirely sure what it means. All he knows is that it feels right, holding onto him, back pressed against the wall of the bar, still so close that he could feel those lips again if he just moved a little...

No, the talking is good. They need to do more talking. It's good for Matt, good for both of them to talk about what this is.]

Because... [God, is he really going to make him say it? Isn't it obvious?]

Because I love you, you wanker. Been in love with you for ages.

[ It doesn't really help. He knows it, he's known it for a long time. It clutches at his heart and twists him up inside. He should have stopped, after he did what he did. He never should have loved him in the first place, he doesn't deserve it. But there he is, and it would be so easy to take advantage of it. Of him. So easy. And then leave him in pieces all over again. At least the bruises he could recover from. ]

I know. You're a fucking idiot, Nate. I know you do.

[ He shakes his head. It doesn't help him know what to do, what's right or even what he really wants. Well, no, he knows what he wants, he's just scared of it. He should tell him how he feels. He should but it's like he can't, like there's a physical block in his throat that stops him, that holds him back from the obvious truth. ]

This isn't why I came here.

Edited 2015-11-16 13:41 (UTC)

[He knows. Well, that's good at least. Good to know Matt's not completely obtuse about it. Sure, there had been teasing about it, but it was always hard to tell just how much of the joking was at least a little serious. Nate lets out a quiet laugh, barely more than a puff of air escaping his lungs.]

Why did you come here, then? [He's not letting go, not giving him much of a chance to move too far away. He's pretty sure if Matt gets space between them, he'll snap back to his old ways. Just stay here, he thinks as hard as he can, stay here with me.]

To see you!! [ His response is frustrated and hurried, but he's not backing up, not yet anyway, still staying in that little bubble that lets this keep on existing. It'll burst, he knows, but he's not ready for that just yet, and if he moved away now he's not sure what he'd do. ]

Because I--- I fucking miss you, don't I. You and your lining up the toothbrushes and reorganising the mugs. And just you, Nate. I just wanted to see you.

[ He scoffs out a half laugh and shakes his head. ] You know how fucking glad I was when you text me?

[The way he talks draws a smile out of him, remembering all the memories they had together. The good ones, not the rest that he tries not to think about.]

It's not my fault you don't know how the dishes are meant to be arranged. [There's a teasing glint in his eyes, the words said quietly, meant only for him.]

I was so scared, sending that. Didn't know what you would say, if you would say anything.

[ The words are there, the emotion, just bubbling away under the surface. And he feels it so keenly, he can barely swallow it down. There's so much he wants to tell him, like how that big sale of one of his paintings recently was actually him (well he's got the money now), like how those few missed calls from an unknown number he'd got were him too. But he doesn't know how to. ]

Nate, you know I'm not-- [ Gay. He's not gay, but it's completely stupid to even say it when he's standing here like this with him, both of them getting soaked in the rain and not giving a shit. He shakes his head. ]

So what then?

Yeah. [He says, following that first statement. Honestly, Nate doesn't know what Matt is or isn't. He certainly seems to enjoy sleeping with women, and while it could all be for show, Nate certainly can't imagine doing that as often as Matt does just to make himself look straight. Couldn't imagine doing it once, let alone over and over.

It doesn't matter to him, though. Gay, straight, bi maybe? All sorts of things a person can be. That's Matt's hang up, though, not his.]

Dunno. [He answers the impossible question in the least helpful way possible.] Could go back to mine and talk? Or...well, they gave me this key card to get back into the gallery tonight if I wanted.

[It's avoiding the issue somewhat, but not entirely. Nate wants him to see what he's been working on, to give them space to breath and not do something or say something they might regret. He wants this, but he wants it honestly, not just because they didn't stop to think.]

[ Go back to his and talk. Nice idea, but he doubts it would happen. Oh something might happen, yeah, but not something that should. He doesn't want history to repeat itself or for him to screw up whatever's left. ]

The gallery, yeah. Yeah that would be good.

[ He wants to see his work. It might not really be all that practical, considering they are both now soaking wet, but since when did he care about logic? ]

But we should... talk. Probably. Properly.

[Nate just nods, but he also doesn't...move. He's afraid to break away, afraid that stepping away from this wall will mean dissolving whatever this is that they've built. It's nice. Complicated, but God it's nice. He briefly feels guilty, thinking about Simon and the way he definitely shouldn't be doing this while he's got a boyfriend. But. It's Matt. He can't imagine stopping himself for anything.]

Properly, yeah. I'd like that.

[He can't stop from staring at his mouth. This is a bit of a problem.]

[ The idea of going is good, of doing normal stuff that they need to do if they're ever going to get on. Normal stuff that probably shouldn't involve whatever this little thing was. He pretends to himself that its just getting it out of their system, but he knows that isn't true.

Trouble is of course getting there would involve things like moving away, walking and getting a tube or something and it feels like that would be almost impossible.

And then there's the fact that he can see where Nate's looking, that his gaze doesn't meet his but falls elsewhere. Is he thinking what he thinks he is? Fuck but it makes him want to kiss him again. He doesn't though, just looks at him, tries to read him and questions, as though he's addressing that gaze ]

What?

[The single word snaps him out of it, eyes flying back up to meet Matt's gaze. The pink on his cheeks is definitely from the cold and not at all embarrassment at being caught staring.]

Sorry. Was just- Well, you're sort of distracting, aren't you?

[ Matt's always known he's not bad to look at. It's something that he uses to his advantage fairly often, but he tries not to be too much of a prick about it. He used to tease a lot about Nate's 'crush' on him, because it was so much easier for it just to be that.

He starts to smirk a little, that Byrne glint in his eyes. ]

Well you know God was being generous the day they put me together. Can't be helped.

Certainly can't. [And he might be thinking about his one and only experience with the other ways God was 'generous' with Matt. Ahem.

His attraction to the man isn't purely physical but fuck if it doesn't help. Feeling bold, Nate presses forward to kiss him again, this time softly. The other two losses were rougher, needy, as if they had to do it quick before they lost their nerve. This is more of how Nate's always wanted to kiss him- gentle, passionate, saying all the things he couldn't with that simple action.]

[ He doesn't expect him to kiss him again. He doesn't really know why, he probably should considering. But it still manages to take him off guard, catch him eyes open and able to see him. The deer-in-the-headlights effect is still there, but a bit less this time, even if his heart beats so fast it almost hurts.

But this kiss, oh it's different, something else entirely, way more complicated than the others if such a thing could even be possible. It just makes him want him more, and confirms everything he already knows.

It's so easy to respond, easier than he ever could have thought. It isn't like before, not like that one night where he was drunk and off the rails. He's none of that now, and he finds himself returning the kiss, lips parted and breath quickening.

But he stops it, a hand to Nate's chest to push him just an inch or so back. ]

I'm not-- I can't do this to you. I'm not turning you into this.

[As he feels Matt's lips part for him, his heart jumps into his throat, thrilled to mirror the action, to deepen the kiss. His tongue gently caresses Matt's bottom lip, testing those waters, but a moment later, he's being pushed back. Nate's back hits the wall behind him, and his eyes open, hurt and confused.]

I don't..? Turn me into what?

Into someone who cheats.

[ For everything, Matt has some morals, or what he thinks should be. For all he likes to moan about Simon, he knows he's probably a good guy, and he knows even more than that that Nate's one of the best. He isn't the sort to cheat, he can't have him do that just because of him. ]

You've got Simon. [ But there's pain in even those words. He does have him, and Simon has Nate. That's not for him to come and tear down simply by existing, how is that fair on any of them? ]

Oh. [He should have been the one thinking about that, or thinking about it enough to hold back, to not eagerly fling himself at his best friend at the first sign that maybe Matt's ready to admit that... But it doesn't matter what Matt's ready for, because Nate's the one already seeing someone. It's serious enough that they've talked about Nate moving in, after all. But he's held back, and instead he's here, looking at Matt and just hoping that he can hold on to whatever this is.]

He's not you. [Which isn't really an answer, but it also sort of is. Nate would give up anything, everything to see where this could go with Matt.]

But he loves you, doesn't he? Wants you to move in, you told me that.

[ And that's not to say he doesn't love him. The terrifying thing is he really does. But he can't tear his life apart, he can't have that again. ]

I'm a fucking mess, you know that. You deserve-- So much, Nate. Seriously, so much. I mean the best, you know.

You're a mess. [He agrees.] And he loves me, yeah. He's great. I really care about him, but Matt...

[It's not what he wants. Not when he really thinks about it. It's what he's supposed to want, sure. It's what his parents wanted for him- someone stable with a good job, someone that could help support him so he could continue working on his art. It made sense. It all fit together.

But all it would take was one word from Matt and he'd throw that away. Because it's not what he wants. It's what he would settle for. What he wants is this- a mess, a story that he doesn't know the ending to. He wants this more than he's ever wanted anything.]