cravating | (no subject)

It's a dick Nate. Men have dicks. I can fuck an arse of a woman, I can wank my own dick, but I can't shove my own dick in my mouth. It's gay. Proper gay. I'm not trying to be a twat but it just freaks me out. I can go down on a woman all day long but if I think of a dick in my mouth I just imagine what my da would say.

[ and oh look there's the root of all these problems, said in a throwaway sentence ]

He's not going to say anything, Matt. I'm not telling him and you're sure as hell not. What he thinks doesn't matter anyway. You go on and on about what a prick he is, so what does it matter what he thinks?

Because I can still imagine what he'd say and do if he found out. Worse than what I did to you.

It's not going to happen, Matt. I wouldn't let it.

You wouldn't be able to stop it Nate. I had years of him telling me how gays were wrong it's in my head can't get it out. Dunno about you but I think I made quite a bit of headway last night though.

You did. And I'm not trying to take away from that. But I just wish you could get him out of your head about this stuff. Even if you never wanted to go down on me or whatever. I wish it was because of what you wanted and not because of what he thinks.

You might have worked out I'm not very good at realising what I want.

I know. And it's okay, but I don't want you shutting things out just because of your fucking asshole of a father. You might enjoy something more than you think.

Doesn't mean I'm about to suck dick, Nate. Da or no da. I've had plenty women who weren't into it too you know. It's not me being a twat.

Yeah, but I don't think any of them told you it was too hetero for them to do it. That's all I'm saying. You're not saying no because you're not into it. You're saying no because you think it would make you too gay. You have no idea if you'd want it. Just said so yourself.

Does it matter why I don't want to do it? I just don't. Did you pressure Simon this much for a blow job?

Didn't have to pressure him at all for one, actually.

[Oh this is going well]

Look, forget I said anything about it. It's not a big deal.

Well ask him for one then.

Don't be like that

Well what I'm offering clearly isn't good enough so just go back to your boyfriend and forget this happened it'd be easier

Would you quit calling him that? I left him for a reason. A reason that can annoy the piss out of me when he tries, but still a good reason.

Sorry. I'm getting a bit me aren't I.

A bit yeah. And I know it's going to happen when I push some stuff, which is why I don't always want to. Especially if you're going to tell me to go back to Simon every time.

[ and there's another gap before he sends this, because it's a fairly biggie ]

I don't want you to go back to Simon. I want you with me.

You're all I want, Matt. This. With you.

[ He types it out. He actually types it out. I love you and hovers over the send button for a good minute before he deletes the words and replaces them with something else entirely. ]

You got it.

Good. Well, I should maybe get some sleep. But Monday, yeah?

Monday. I'll see you there. Table booked under my name, I'll meet you inside.

[He gets there at about 6:45, dressed in gray trousers that are tighter than most could pull off and a light blue sweater with a scarf, because of course he has a scarf. Heading in, he tells her the reservation is for Byrne and she shows him to the table reserved.

Nate finds he's nervous, properly nervous which is silly, considering. He's had dinner with Matt plenty of times, but never dinner that was also a date. He removes his scarf and his coat and drapes them over his chair before having a seat. He checks his phone again to look at the time before setting it on the table, just in case Matt texts with some delay.

Of course he wouldn't stand him up. Right?]

[ It's about ten past when Matt gets there. Delays on the tube, and of course he couldn't fucking text and let him know, so by the time he gets there he's in a bit of a panic that Nate is going to have left or something.

He stalls outside, calming himself down before getting inside and being led over towards the table. When he said he'd wear a suit, he wasn't joking, and he's there in a deep navy suit, modern cut, with a crisp white shirt underneath, buttons open maybe one or two more than they need to be. Around his wrist though he still wears his same old battered leather cuff, and from his neck that old charm that Nate once gave him hangs from a leather strap.

He's wearing maybe a touch more aftershave than he needs to. ]

Hey, Nate. Sorry fucking underground you know how it is.