cravating | (no subject)

You never know, you might realise what you've been missing. Might turn you straight. [ He's teasing, he doesn't think just about anything could turn him straight. ]

Though you ever decide to, just you make sure I'm within half an hour away. Wouldn't miss that one. I'd have a front row ticket. [ That is, if he got an invite, of course. Funny how easily he's basically saying he'd like to watch Nate fucking. He doesn't really think of it as that.

There are so many times that they've sat chatting, but never like this, never naked and in bed, strange, yes but still he feels like he can talk to him the same as he ever could. ]

So you got any goss?

Shut up. [He gives him a playful shove.] You've always said I was the gayest bloke you knew. Which I still think isn't fair, by the way. Plenty more that are way more flamboyant about it than me. Just because I'm also an artist doesn't make me twice as gay.

[He says it all with a smile.]

Wanting to check in on people? Plenty of dirt to go 'round.

You put those little milk patterns in the top of your coffee and you're telling me you're not the gayest bloke I know? [ he raises a brow like oh come on now ]

And you're not flamboyant. [ he pulls a face ] Wouldn't fancy you if you were. [ And oh... he's said that. Can't take it back now, even if he does mean it. ]

Shut up.

[Nate's eyebrows raise slightly, not saying anything at first. Fancy him? Well that's... new. Or is it? God, it must be, right?]

Didn't say anything. [He finally says, his voice a little quiet, not sure if he should ask about it or just let it go.]

No but you're thinking it. I know what you're like, Nate. Always fucking thinking. [ Like...he isn't? Not the best choice of words there, Matthew.

He just turns his head to him and gives him a long look. ]

What, do you think this was some sort of pity fuck? Come on, Nathan. [ and yes, must mean business calling him that. ]

I didn't think it was a pity fuck. Christ. [Okay maybe he was a little worried.]

But sex doesn't have to mean anything more than... Look, I just don't want to assume, yeah?

[ Matt just stares at Nate. Fuck, does he really think that? It's all the proof he needs that he really has no fucking clue. God, he wishes it was obvious, he wishes he could just fucking say something. But he can't. It's enough to make him laugh, laugh in his own frustration, annoyed at who he is. What's worse? Is that it doesn't seem to make a difference, it doesn't make him able to say anything, even if he feels like he should just spit it all the fuck out. ]

Fucking hell [ he mumbles under his breath as he shakes his head ]

What? [He props himself up a bit more, sure that he's missing something big here.] What's wrong?

Nothing [ he shakes his head, but it's not nothing is it? None of this is nothing. He's bristling, and that's dangerous he knows, because bristle too much and he'll either lash out or run off and he doesn't want to do either of those things.

He takes a long breath, calm down Matt, come on, don't fuck this all up. ]

Nothing. Just...[ he looks at him, and props up too, before leaning over, grabbing his hand around the side of Nate's face and pulling him in to kiss him. ]

[They've kissed enough tonight for Nate to be less shocked by it, but this particular kiss still takes him by surprise. He lets out a small, muffled mmph sound before melting into it, leaning towards Matt and just enjoying how this feels.

It feels like Matt is trying to say he has feelings for him. Feelings he doesn't know how to talk about. But real feelings.

Slowly, Nate breaks away, breathless from the kiss and the realization. Should he say something? Put words to it for him? He can't, though. All he can say is:]

Oh.

[ Yeah, oh. Very oh. Matt fidgets a little, almost awkwardly. He feels like he's been bared too much here, and he doesn't know how to get back behind that usual facade. Of course the point is he doesn't have to, but then that doesn't seem to enter his mind. So he just changes the subject.

Really badly. ]

So what are you going to say to your boyfriend tomorrow?

[That is..the worst change of topic. Matt, no.

Nate blinks and has nothing to say for a moment.]

Dunno, really. Probably shouldn't open with the fact that I'm in love with someone else, yeah?

You shouldn't be in love with me. [ he says it without thought, like a reflex reaction. ]

You should tell him it's fine. Go on that holiday he wants. You know he can give you everything. It's not like he ever has to find out about this. I'm hardly gonna tell him over a pint am I?

[ Yet even as he's making this suggestion, one of his hands is reaching out and actually seeking out Nate's. Of his own accord, he grips his hand, and threads his fingers between his. ]

What? [His hand moves, gripping tighter to Matt's, as if trying to ground him in that reality, rather than the nonsense he's spouting.]

You don't mean that. Or...you do. But you don't know what you're talking about. I'm not going back to him.

I'm not going to be your boyfriend, Nate [ it comes out harshly, and he really doesn't mean it to. ]

I mean-- Look I can't be. This doesn't change that. What we've done, it doesn't make a fucking difference. And you can't go telling anyone, okay?

Never asked you to be, did I? [He says, trying to keep his tone light, but hearing that harshness. He glances down when Matt says he can't tell anyone.]

I'm not going to tell anyone, Matt. Don't worry. No one will know what sort of horrible mistake you made.

[ he can feel it, feel himself doing the same stupid shit all over again. It terrifies him, because what if it gets worse? What if he flips further? He hopes to God he never will, and doesn't imagine he would, but can he be sure? ]

That's not what I'm saying [ He says with a heavy sigh. ]

It wasn't a mistake. You're not-- Can we just not do this, yeah? Can we just fucking not- That's not what I mean- It's not- I just-- [ his words grow harder, like they're stifled, and he speaks quicker, almost panicked, like he's trapped and can't get out. ]

[He can see the way Matt struggles to find his words, knows him well enough to know that when he gets like this, anger is the easiest for him. It scares him a little, but he's not going anywhere. He's not going to shy away. This is important and worth pushing for.]

We don't have to do anything. Just... Don't try to convince me to get back with Simon, yeah? That's my decision. Has nothing to do with you. Or at least not ultimately. Being with him when I'm in love with you isn't fair. Doesn't matter if you and I ever... It's just not fair to him. Couldn't do it.

Stop saying you love me! [ He's not sure what he feels. Almost... jealous? Jealous that he can't say that so easy, that he can't even form those thoughts properly. There's a voice right on the tip of his tongue, words ready to pour out that he doesn't love him, and never will. The opposite of the truth, of course.

He sits up straight in the bed, slouching forward a little. But in all of it, he's still holding his hand. ]

I don't deserve that. You're too fucking good, you know. This little angel. [ didn't he call him that before? Maybe that means something. ]

I'm sorry [ he says then, trying to compose himself a little ]I don't know why I do this. Like I'm constantly trying to sabotage anything fucking good.

[Nate doesn't sit up right away, he just looks at their joined hands. Anything he says could be just the right trigger to get him really mad. He just has to hope he knows him well enough to avoid it.]

It's alright. Seriously. We don't need to go into anything like that tonight. Just lay down. Just...c'mere, please? We'll have breakfast tomorrow just like we used to.

[ Why's he so good to him? Why isn't he angry for that little outburst? He should be. Matt'd get it. But he's not, because he's him, like some calming influence to stop him boiling over. ]

I miss all that, y'know? [ he says, not looking back just yet, speaking quiet and ducking his head down slightly. ] Everything we used to do.

You remember when we met? First day, queuing up for those passes. You were the complete opposite to anybody I knew. Never thought we could be friends. This smiling Welsh kid who got uppity when I cut in front of him. h[ e laughs, seems so long ago now ]

[The memory makes him bark out a little laugh.]

God, you were such a twat that day. Little did I know you would end up proving me wrong. [He lets the statement in the air for a moment before finishing with:] You were just that much of a twat every day.

[ It's enough. Enough to break through that cloud that seems to have settled. He laughs and turns his head towards him, letting go of his hand only to give him a shove. ]

Yeah yeah alright Renoir, whatever. You weren't much better yourself you know.

[ his next words come without much in the way of preparation, like he's finally found a way to say something, and does while he has the chance ]

It wasn't just sex. It isn't just sex. I like you, Nate. But it's not men. I'm not gay, and that's not me having a go again, I mean it, it's not. It's just you.

[It's a strange thing, hearing him say it. Just him. He's not sure he believes that, but it's a step, isn't it? Matt admitting that much. And those words

I like you, Nate.

Yeah, he could get used to hearing those.]

I'm not saying you are or you aren't. Honestly, I wish you'd stop worrying about it. I know that your dad's a wanker about that stuff, but he's not here. Wouldn't ever let that bastard step foot in my place, so you don't have to worry about what he say or thinks when you're here, yeah? You just have to be you. But you don't need to try to convince me of what you aren't.

I'd be a bit worried if my da was here

[ He tries to pass that off as a joke, but well, it's difficult joking about anything where his dad's concerned, so it falls a bit flat. Matt's terrified of the man, and maybe even more terrified of turning into him. But what would his dad say if he knew what his son had just done? What would he do? He dreads to think. ]

Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Fuck knows why. I do things I don't mean too. It's like there's a fire or something and the only way to put it out is be a complete and utter prick. But it's like chucking whisky on the fames, you know, just explodes in your face.

[ He's not really sure why he's rambling, but then Nate was the only ever person he ever really opened up to. ]