cravating | (no subject)

I'm not going to be your boyfriend, Nate [ it comes out harshly, and he really doesn't mean it to. ]

I mean-- Look I can't be. This doesn't change that. What we've done, it doesn't make a fucking difference. And you can't go telling anyone, okay?

Never asked you to be, did I? [He says, trying to keep his tone light, but hearing that harshness. He glances down when Matt says he can't tell anyone.]

I'm not going to tell anyone, Matt. Don't worry. No one will know what sort of horrible mistake you made.

[ he can feel it, feel himself doing the same stupid shit all over again. It terrifies him, because what if it gets worse? What if he flips further? He hopes to God he never will, and doesn't imagine he would, but can he be sure? ]

That's not what I'm saying [ He says with a heavy sigh. ]

It wasn't a mistake. You're not-- Can we just not do this, yeah? Can we just fucking not- That's not what I mean- It's not- I just-- [ his words grow harder, like they're stifled, and he speaks quicker, almost panicked, like he's trapped and can't get out. ]

[He can see the way Matt struggles to find his words, knows him well enough to know that when he gets like this, anger is the easiest for him. It scares him a little, but he's not going anywhere. He's not going to shy away. This is important and worth pushing for.]

We don't have to do anything. Just... Don't try to convince me to get back with Simon, yeah? That's my decision. Has nothing to do with you. Or at least not ultimately. Being with him when I'm in love with you isn't fair. Doesn't matter if you and I ever... It's just not fair to him. Couldn't do it.

Stop saying you love me! [ He's not sure what he feels. Almost... jealous? Jealous that he can't say that so easy, that he can't even form those thoughts properly. There's a voice right on the tip of his tongue, words ready to pour out that he doesn't love him, and never will. The opposite of the truth, of course.

He sits up straight in the bed, slouching forward a little. But in all of it, he's still holding his hand. ]

I don't deserve that. You're too fucking good, you know. This little angel. [ didn't he call him that before? Maybe that means something. ]

I'm sorry [ he says then, trying to compose himself a little ]I don't know why I do this. Like I'm constantly trying to sabotage anything fucking good.

[Nate doesn't sit up right away, he just looks at their joined hands. Anything he says could be just the right trigger to get him really mad. He just has to hope he knows him well enough to avoid it.]

It's alright. Seriously. We don't need to go into anything like that tonight. Just lay down. Just...c'mere, please? We'll have breakfast tomorrow just like we used to.

[ Why's he so good to him? Why isn't he angry for that little outburst? He should be. Matt'd get it. But he's not, because he's him, like some calming influence to stop him boiling over. ]

I miss all that, y'know? [ he says, not looking back just yet, speaking quiet and ducking his head down slightly. ] Everything we used to do.

You remember when we met? First day, queuing up for those passes. You were the complete opposite to anybody I knew. Never thought we could be friends. This smiling Welsh kid who got uppity when I cut in front of him. h[ e laughs, seems so long ago now ]

[The memory makes him bark out a little laugh.]

God, you were such a twat that day. Little did I know you would end up proving me wrong. [He lets the statement in the air for a moment before finishing with:] You were just that much of a twat every day.

[ It's enough. Enough to break through that cloud that seems to have settled. He laughs and turns his head towards him, letting go of his hand only to give him a shove. ]

Yeah yeah alright Renoir, whatever. You weren't much better yourself you know.

[ his next words come without much in the way of preparation, like he's finally found a way to say something, and does while he has the chance ]

It wasn't just sex. It isn't just sex. I like you, Nate. But it's not men. I'm not gay, and that's not me having a go again, I mean it, it's not. It's just you.

[It's a strange thing, hearing him say it. Just him. He's not sure he believes that, but it's a step, isn't it? Matt admitting that much. And those words

I like you, Nate.

Yeah, he could get used to hearing those.]

I'm not saying you are or you aren't. Honestly, I wish you'd stop worrying about it. I know that your dad's a wanker about that stuff, but he's not here. Wouldn't ever let that bastard step foot in my place, so you don't have to worry about what he say or thinks when you're here, yeah? You just have to be you. But you don't need to try to convince me of what you aren't.

I'd be a bit worried if my da was here

[ He tries to pass that off as a joke, but well, it's difficult joking about anything where his dad's concerned, so it falls a bit flat. Matt's terrified of the man, and maybe even more terrified of turning into him. But what would his dad say if he knew what his son had just done? What would he do? He dreads to think. ]

Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Fuck knows why. I do things I don't mean too. It's like there's a fire or something and the only way to put it out is be a complete and utter prick. But it's like chucking whisky on the fames, you know, just explodes in your face.

[ He's not really sure why he's rambling, but then Nate was the only ever person he ever really opened up to. ]

[Nate has never minded the rambling or the way Matt just sort of barrels into actual conversations with jokes sprinkled all throughout. He just listens and waits for the natural pauses where he can slip in his thoughts to urge him to keep going. It was just something they were always good at, once they got over being irritated with each other at the start.]

It's called fight or flight. You get freaked out and feel like you have to do one of those things. You just happen to fight more than anything else.

[He's not even judging him for it, even though that response nearly killed him once. It's just how Matt is, so he's just laying it out there.]

I do both [ he says with a sad sort of laugh. He ran away from Ireland. Ran away from Nate after he woke up next to him, then ran away from everything when he screwed it all up. ]

Suppose I need to try and stop getting freaked out then.

Sorry you don't need me getting all-- [ he waves a hand, dismissing, before looking back to him again. ]

Do you think-- I could maybe pop round one of the nights. Get a pizza or something. Watch some crap tv, just like we used to. I miss ya, Nate. I really do. a[ frown quickly settles then and he follows it up with ]Oh and since when did he start calling you that?

[He doesn't mind, but he knows that he can't do much to reassure Matt of that completely. He can only hope to keep him talking.]

You're always welcome. Just text me and I'll make sure I'm here. [He would rearrange any plans to watch stupid television and eat way too much pizza with Matt.

The question that gets tacked on at the end makes him wince.]

It just sort of happened. I tried to tell him I didn't like it much, but he asked why and I didn't know how to say that I only let you call me that. I just... I didn't want the fight.

You really didn't like it much [ he reminds him with a small edge of a smile. ] Used to wind you up something crazy.

[ He used to enjoy doing that of course, winding him up. A bit like a boy in a playground pulling a girl's pigtails because he likes her. ]

And you know when I say just like we used to, I don't mean exactly as we used to. I mean there never used to be blow jobs with the peperoni.

Oh, so you're just coming over now that you know I give great head. [He says with a smile, teasing Matt a bit since he doesn't always get the opportunity. Mostly it's Matt teasing him.]

I still don't like the name much unless it's coming from you.

You should have told me you were so good at it. All those Sunday afternoon's in front of the telly we were really missing out.

[ Which is... a roundabout way of saying that they should have been doing this years ago. Maybe that's saying something. ]

Well Nathaniel, don't you worry, I'm not about to stop. Anything, actually.

[ He shifts on the bed a little, moving back towards him, up towards the pillows. ]

C'mere. [ he says, lifting his arm and gesturing to the space beside him. ]

[Nate just shakes his head laughing. Matt's such an ass. But in a way that Nate finds terribly endearing. He doesn't protest the request, though. Moving a bit, he slips up to Matt's side to cuddle up next to him.]

This is nice. [He says quietly, just wanting to voice that. It's not just about sex. He likes this closeness far more, actually.]

Yeah he agrees, [ his arm around Nate and pulling him close as his head turns and he rests his lips against his hair. ]

Yeah it is. [ But he doesn't just mean this, holding him like this (which, if he's honest, is way more than what they've just done in bed). It feels right, it feels perfect. He means all of it, the whole thing, being with him.

He reaches over for his hand, threading their fingers together.

There's a thought in his mind, a statement, and the words are so close to his lips, so close to being said. I love you.

But he can't quite get there yet. ]

[Hes never felt safer, more content than he does right here in Matt's arms. Part of him knows that's crazy. After what Matt did, he should never want him touching him again. But he can't help how he feels. And he feels like this is everything for him.

Their fingers intertwine and Nate finds himself a little emotional, just watching how neatly they fit together. His thumb idly runs over the back of Matt's hand.]

Should get some sleep. [He says, wondering what tomorrow will bring them, how all of this will look to Matt in the light of day.]

[ Holding him like that is how they fall asleep, still hand in hand and resting against one another. Of course during the night they shift, but never too far away.

Matt wakes early, either the unfamiliarity of where he is or the fact he has someone else in the bed with him. His eyes blink blearily, and he looks over to see Nate lying there, the morning light poking through the curtains and playing across his skin. His heart races a little as he sees him there, but it's not that pit of his stomach fear. It feels a bit similar, but then excitement tends to be, doesn't it? Even if it's sleepy.

Shifting, Matt moves up behind him, reaching over sleepily to touch a hand against his side, smoothing it over his hip and around to his stomach as he cuddles up against him without concern.

He blinks a couple more times, waking a little and replaying everything in his mind. It's huge, it's crazy, but it's... well it's great.

Of course the fact it's morning brings on other things too, and the way Matt spoons himself around Nate would make those fairly obvious were the other man awake.

He glances over his skin, watching him in the new light, seeing him brand new again. Not dark like it had been before. It makes him curious too, and well, sort of horny, so the hand on his stomach gently slips down a little, towards Nate's crotch, palm gently running over his softened skin. ]

[Nate sleeps about as soundly as anyone can, comfortable with Matt at his side. He doesn't wake as Matt touches him, but his body does stir a bit. There's a slight twitch under his palm and a small, contented noise that escapes Nate's lips.]

[ Despite the way he feels, Matt's not really got any agenda here. He's just sort of getting to know Nate in a completely new way, and he can't help but be curious about that.

With his head against his shoulder, he notices how nice he smells. It's a way he's always smelled, but he'd always thought it was after shave. Maybe he was wrong, maybe it's just him.

But it's that little twitch that really piques his interest, that almost sound. It makes his own body twitch too, and he presses a little closer up behind him, applying a little pressure body to body. At the same time, still cautious, still curious, he gives his palm a little squeeze over him, just to see what happens. ]

[Still asleep, Nate is having some interesting dreams, alright. Dreams about memories with Matt, being back at their old flat, but naked and kissing and--

Nate's cock gives a pulse in response to the squeeze, blood quickly moving to start to stiffen it. Still, his breathing stays fairly even, fast asleep for now.]

[ Matt is obviously familiar with what it feels like to have a cock harden, but not really what it's like to feel one that isn't his hardening in his hand. He finds he really likes it. It's enough to get him worked up a bit, and he presses a little more against Nate, his own breath a little deeper. It feels nice, a nice way to wake up.

Feeling Nate's cock get hard, his hand shifts, from gentle palming to a more deliberate hold, his fingers curling around him before slowly pumping, trying to get him harder still in his touch as he presses up to him still. ]