cravating | (no subject)

[There's a lot he can say. Like how Laura got married and doesn't really pop up much except to like shit on Facebook. Or how Kelly got a new job that moved her to the middle of fucking nowhere. And Sam's just announced she's pregnant so she's not really in the right place to be giving anyone advice. As for Donna? Well, Donna's nice but sort of dim. Not really interested in chatting her up about serious life stuff.

But he doesn't say that. He just looks up from his glass and finds Matt's gaze, holding it for a moment before shrugging one shoulder.]

They're not you, are they?

[ That's... direct, and unexpected. Matt isn't entirely sure what to do with it. He thought that they'd meet up and skirt around all the important shit and talk about crap that doesn't matter. They had an important talk before, where Matt said a lot of sorries, but since then it was always just polite and chatty. ]

Nate... [ he says on a long breath out. ]

I know. [Does he? He thinks so, but maybe not. It's all weird but this is important to him.]

Just miss you, that's all. And yeah- I know- that's really fucking queer or whatever, but hey... that's me, right?

[ It's so fucking complicated; it twists his insides inside out. He shouldn't like hearing that he's missed. But he does, a bit. And it's wrong, he knows its wrong. He supposed he'd hope that his feelings for him might have just been an in the moment thing. It's confusing and more than a bit scary, but they're still there, and he can't help but think of the shit Andrew was saying. ]

No it's not. It's... It's fine. You be as queer as you like, And with that haircut you definitely are. [ good diversion? probably not, no. ]

Is it fine? [He knows Matt uses humor to get away from topics that he doesn't want to go into. But he's going to push his luck a little.]

Doesn't feel fine.

[ He looks at him like... are they going to argue? Is he going to get a telling off. He deserves that, he's sure. But he's not really hoping for it. ]

So what, you think I'm going to flip again?

What? No, Matt, I don't think.. I mean do you think I'd be here if I thought that? I'm not an idiot.

[He's not going to put himself in danger. He doesn't think Matt's dangerous to be around.]

But things have been... I mean, they aren't fine, are they?

[ He's... well, kind of relieved? He'd feel sick to think Nate thought that, even though he'd have every right to. But the probing makes him frown. He doesn't really get it, genuinely kind of lost. Is this that subtext thing? Where something has been going on that he actually has no idea about? ]

Aren't they? I thought we were getting on. I mean that's why you text me earlier, right? Why we've met up for a pint.

Okay, so they're fine. Means you'll come by for dinner sometime, yeah? Come for my next show? Won't be weird at all?

[He raises both eyebrows like no it's not likely to happen at all, is it?]

I'm telling you I miss you, miss things being easy with us, and you just--

[He cuts himself off abruptly and shakes his head.]

Look what the fuck do you want me to say? [ he's raising his voice a little, not quite angry just... Matt. ]

I came here didn't I? So stop being fucking weird about it. I'm just what, Nate? What am I doing? Spit it out.

[He can tell the difference and isn't afraid of Matt getting a little more riled up, but he also doesn't want to start a fight.]

Just forget it.

[Yeah, that will help.]

No I'm not going to forget it, now spit it the fuck out. Go on, I'm waiting.

[ He stares at him and leans back, crossing his arms over his chest. Waiting. ]

[Well, isn't this lovely. Good job, Nate. You ruined your own night out with your best friend because you just couldn't let things go unsaid. Fantastic. Looking into his barely touched beer, he pushes the glass away and quickly stands from his chair.]

I'm not doing this right now.

[He looks like he's just barely holding back some really intense emotion- either anger or sadness or just some mixture of both, hard to tell. Without another word, he heads for the back door of the place, heading for the alley.]

[ Matt just sits there for a second. He didn't expect that to happen. He has to replay the conversation to check if he can find something he did wrong. He'd thought he was doing well. Was it talking about that wanker Simon? He never wanted to talk about him anyway. But no, he can't find anything, which just makes it even more infuriating, because it's probably there. He probably did something. He just doesn't know what it is.

He could just let him go, and he thinks he probably should. This is too much of a fucking mess. It's a complete joke isn't it, to pretend their friends. It doesn't work, it isn't working, and he guesses that's what's getting to Nate so much.

If there's one thing he does know though, it's that he can't let it just sit there. So he grabs his beer and downs what's left in the glass before pushing himself up and heading out quickly, out to the alley, looking up and down and hoping he's still in sight. ]

Nate!

[Nat's not far, probably because he's turned around to come right back in about three times and chickened out each and ever one of them. So he's just down the alley, hands stuffed in the pockets of his coat, trying very hard not to let himself cry. Because god that would just be the thing to top it all off, wouldn't it?

What he doesn't expect to hear is Matt calling out his name. He slows his steps, not turning around, but coming to a stop. His eyes close briefly as he debates on what to say or do. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to explain that he just wants things to be how they were, just wants to feel like Matt is actually part of his life, rather than just existing near it when it worked with his schedule.

So instead of saying anything, he just turns and faces the man he still considers his closest friend, a man he's been in love with since he first laid eyes on him, even after everything. But fuck if any of that matters now.]

[ Matt never deals well with emotion, it's sort of an accepted fact. He tends to use anger as a coping mechanism, and it's anger that comes to the fore now as he stops in front of him. He speaks, voice fuming and on edge. ]

What the fuck was that about? Is this what we're going to do now? Look I get it if you'd never want to see me again. After what I did well it'd make a fuckton of sense wouldn't it. But what the fuck is this? You said you wanted to catch up so catch the fuck up, don't be a pissy little bitch and walk off.

Never want to--? [He brings a hand up to wipe over his mouth, as he tries to hold back a tearful laugh.]

Matt, do you know how often I have to stop myself from texting you? Every fucking day. Because I honestly don't know how much you want to hear from me. So I just... don't. Until today. Figured it was a good enough excuse to talk about my show like we used to, right? But it's just not the same. It's like I can't touch you.

[Figuratively. He's also not sure about literally touching him. That might end badly.]

Are you kidding me? [ he almost laughs himself because that's really not what he expected. ]

Why wouldn't I want to hear from you? Do you think I hate you or something. Come on, you know I don't hate you. I mean I-- Fuck. [ he takes a breath, he can't make this even more complicated than it already is, he can't. He can't do emotion, and definitely not that one. At the same time though he can't help but remember the argument that had this whole mess starting in the first place. Nate calling him on his shit, and the tension just... leading places he didn't expect. ]

We're friends, right? Come on. I'm not keeping myself in some weird fucking bubble, I'm right here.

Yeah, right now you are. But you disappeared for a long fucking time, Matt. Not a word to me or anyone else on where you were. Now you're suddenly back and it's just all fine, is it?

[His voice gets a little thick from emotion.]

Yeah and who would want to speak to me after what I did? It was better that I just fucked off. And I didn't think you'd want to. I almost fucking killed you. I can still see you lying there and-- [ he shakes his head ]

So of course I went. I didn't deserve to fucking stay.

[Nate takes a few steps rushing forward, still leaving plenty of distance between them, but clearly he has a lot of feelings about this.]

That wasn't for you to decide. You left me to do all the explaining. Anyone that asked what happened, why you did it. And you know what I could tell them? Fuck all. Because what could I say?

[He wasn't going to tell them about what they had done before everything went to shit, about what had started the fight. He wasn't going to betray Matt's trust, even after being beaten within an inch of his life.]

You could have said whatever the hell you wanted! Why were you trying to protect me?! When you were the one in hospital! Stop it, Nate. Stop being this perfect fucking angel. Always doing everything for everyone else. Well fuck that, think about yourself for once. Just for fucking once.

I'm a prick, I'm a complete twat, and you miss me. Fuck Nate what's wrong with you?

[ He doesn't mean that to sound so harsh or to sound like that. Really, he's not sure what he means. Fucking emotion. ]

Think about myself? [He repeats, stepping forward again, this time slower, but clearly closing the distance between them.] You want me to- [He lets out a sound that's almost a laugh, standing right in front of Matt now.]

How's this for thinking for myself? [Without any further warning, Nate reaches up with both hands to hold on to Matt's face, drawing him closer and kissing him firmly on the mouth.]

[ It's one of those arguments that goes round in circles, and he has a feeling it's going to keep doing that. His feeling, of course, is clearly wrong, because then Nate is fucking kissing him and his heart is pounding. He feels sick and he doesn't know what that is, or how to put any of it in order. Fuck but it feels good, and it shouldn't.

He wants it though, as soon as he's there with those soft fucking lips and the way he smells of soap and whatever that shit is he uses, he knows it. And it terrifies him. So he stiffens, and he snaps, lifting a hand up to Nate's chest and pushing him back sharply, turning and knocking him back against the back wall of the pub. ]

What the fuck are you doing? [ his voice is breathy, threaded, and the way he looks at him, well it's somewhere lost between anger and lust. ]

Something that I can't get out of my head. Thinking about myself, remember? [He wipes some of the rain from his face, his fingertips lingering on his lips as if he can still feel Matt's pressed there still.]