cravating | (no subject)

[It stings as much as it might if he has been punched. Nate takes a step back and tries to collect his thoughts before he responds. Getting mad isn't going to help. It would just escalate things, and would land them back at square one.]

So all that about properly talking was what? Because waiting for you to come around to it on your own is a waste of fucking time, isn't it?

[Well, he tried not to escalate it...as much as he could.]

[ Matt stands with his eyes closed and his fist balled tightly. He hates himself. What a prick thing to do, and he knows it. He's right, completely right. Matt himself had said they should talk, and how is this talking? Flinging insults and borderline gay taunts the like he'd have picked up from his old 'friends' back in Ireland. ]

I'm sorry. [ He sighs, and it's almost surprising maybe, because Matt doesn't really do apologies either. ]

I'm a prick, I'm sorry. I'm just really fucking bad at this, Nate. What do you want me to say? This all comes easy to you, but not to me. I'm doing my best here, but look at me. I told you, I'm a mess.

You think it's easy for me? Thinking about leaving a man who loves me just because you came into town for a night? Realizing that nothing in the whole bloody world could stop me from feeling like I do, because I've got every reason to tell you to fuck off but all I want to do is ask you to stay the night. It's not fucking easy, Matt. But pretending like it doesn't exist doesn't help matters much.

Leaving him?[ he looks at him as though he's surprised, like that had never really entered his mind, to think that he might do that. Why? For him? That doesn't seem right. That can't be right, can it?

He lifts a hand and rubs his face, before shifting a little, taking a breath. ]

You know this bloke at work. Andrew. He's my cousin actually, which is kind of weird I know. He thinks I'm bisexual or some shit. I told him I'm not. It's not like that. [ he says the word bisexual as though its one he doesn't quite believe is a real word, and he's not sure if he's starting this properly, or what he's starting even ]

[He would talk more about how he's thinking of leaving Simon, but then Matt's talking about... Wow, okay- he wasn't expecting actual conversation about this. Nate lets out a slow breath.]

Makes sense, though, doesn't it? I mean, all those women you've been with. I've known some guys who had something to prove, like they really wanted to make sure no one thought they were gay, but you liked them. Loved some of them, even. [Not going to say Sal's name but...]

But I'm not a woman. As girly as you say I am, there's no mistaking that, is there? [He takes a step towards him, not trying to get too close, but needing to be closer, at least.] So maybe you like a little of both. Would that be so bad?

You can't be both, Nate. You can't. It does't work like that.

[ his conviction is maybe not quite as strong as it might have once been. He says it because it's what he's been told to believe for so long, but now he's not so sure. ]

And I like women, you know I like women. [ And not that many women, come on. After all he was with Sal for years, and mention her or not he knows that's who he's on about, and even now it kind of stings. But after her? Well okay, yeah, maybe there was a few, or, okay a lot. ]

And it isn't blokes, Nate, it's not it's just...[ he stops and shakes his head. ] I'm not gay or bisexual or whatever that is.

Edited 2015-11-16 21:00 (UTC)

Plenty of people are bisexual, Matt. It's not a new thing. [He says it gently, not mocking his ignorance on the topic. Matt's always put his head in the sand about things like this.]

I would know, wouldn't I? Sort of an expert on this stuff- least more than you are. [He even manages a smile.]

You know, I really hope you are, though. Because if you aren't, then everything back in the alley was just you having a laugh and I'm not sure how to take that.

You're not an expert on it. You're not bi. I remember that time Magda snogged you and you were traumatised by her tits. I mean I'm not surprised, her tits are huge. But I think if you ever saw a vagina you'd have a panic attack.

[ Yes, deflect to him, that's the best course of action here isn't it? Definitely. ]

Well, no I don't know what that's like personally. But I've got mates who are. I could bring them 'round if you wanted to talk to them?

[Probably wouldn't want that but he has to offer.]

Point is, Matt- it's a real thing and it's alright if that's what you are.

[ he's getting frustrated now. Probably because his deflecting failed entirely, and he doesn't know where his next escape route is. It makes him feel a little cornered, and he bristles slightly, responding in a snap ]

I'm not into men, Nate, I'm just into you.

[ It's out before he can take it back, and oh, shit, he said that. It's panic that sets in now, and he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. Apart from leave, and he turns from side to side, as if he's trying to remember the way out so he can do just that. ]

I should go. I need to go. I need to-

[It takes the wind right out of his lungs. He knew. Sort of. Maybe. Not really. He hoped, more like it. And sometimes there were things that made him think that maybe? But mostly no. Mostly he thought it was just wishful thinking. Matt wouldn't be interested in him. It was just weird circumstances. Crazy situations.

But then he says it and Nate could almost cry for how much he's wanted to hear that for so long.

There's no time for that, though, because he can see that Matt's trying to run. It's all going to fall apart. Who knows when he'll hear from him again.]

No. [The word is out of his mouth before he even realizes it and he's reaching to grab Matt's hand.] You need to stay.

[ He's shaking again, his hands, his entire body. He can't believe he's just said that. It's almost as ridiculous as insulting him. Admitting helps nothing, admitting doesn't make it any easier. It just makes it harder, like this isn't hard enough as it is.

But he stops, when he stops him, and he looks over at him, lit by the light made especially to make his work look best. ]

You've got Simon [ he reminds him, as if he needs it. ] Forget I said that. Please.

[When Matt doesn't pull his hand away, Nate takes it as a good sign. He keeps hold of it as he steps closer, definitely getting in his personal space this time.]

Can't forget it. And I told you- he's not you.

But he's your boyfriend [ Maybe Matt stresses so much because Sal cheated on him and accused him of being the one to stray. But Matt, for all his flaws, is pretty loyal. He doesn't want to turn Nate into a person that would do that, because he knows that he isn't. ]

Nate... [ his name, again, but a plea in a different way. He wants him, and he's admitted that now, in a roundabout way, but that doesn't help, does it? ]

Don't give up your life. And stop giving me that look it's making it really hard. [ Bad choice of word there, Matthew ]

[Nate isn't the type to cheat. The only reason he's even thinking about it is because it's Matt. But cheating isn't always physical, and he's already sort of emotionally cheating, isn't he? Has been from the start, if he's honest with himself.]

I'm not giving up anything. I'm trying to go after the life I've always wanted. Because that's with you. And I'm not- I mean, I don't expect anything. But you're right. Shouldn't do anything until I talk to Simon. He doesn't deserve that.

[He's...sort of tempted to call Simon right now, though. Just to have it done with and be able to keep talking about this.]

I can't promise you anything, Nate. I can't be your boyfriend or whatever it is you think I can be. You know I can't. I don't know how.

[ He turns in towards him a little bit. Fuck but he wants him, wants all of him. It's almost shocking how strongly he feels it, it had never felt so clear before. Looking at him and feeling desire and heat and lust. It should be fucking weird, but it's not, it's right. Exactly right. ]

I can't be some fairytale, you know. I'll upset you, fuck it all up, I guarantee it.

I just said I didn't expect anything, didn't I? [But he smiles as he says it.] I'm not looking for you to be anything but you. A mess. A prick. And so insufferably Irish.

I just want to see what happens. I could get hurt, yeah, but that's part of life, isn't it? Could happen with anyone.

[ Matt just sort of stands there. If he agrees then what does that mean? What's he actually agreeing to? To be with him? That alone is scary given he hasn't tried to really have a relationship since Sal. With anyone it would be a scary prospect. With a bloke, ridiculous, but with Nate? His best friend? Terrifying.

So he doesn't say anything, but he does nod, just a bit. Okay. Yes. Okay. Giving in, allowing himself to want, to dare that he can. ]

Just...wait here, okay? [Because he's pretty sure he needs to just do this or they'll be at a weird standstill and won't be able to actually talk about anything more. He just moves to the next room, grabbing for his phone out of his back pocket and staring at Simon's number. This isn't going to be fun. But it's what he wants. It's what he's wanted for awhile.]

[ Matt stands a bit dumbstruck. Wait, what's Nate going to do? Is he-- is he actually going to split up with his boyfriend? No, no he can't let him do that, can he? That wouldn't be right. Would it? So it's barely a moment or two after he's gone that he's following along after him. ]

Nate what are you doing? Don't-- You can't take that back, you know. If you pull the plug.

Tell me you don't want me and I won't. I mean fuck that's not fair to him either, is it? But it's the unfair shit I've been living with for all this time so I've come to terms with it. But if you want me, that's all I'll be able to think about. That's all I'm going to want. So just tell me Matt. What do you want?

[Standing here with his finger poised to press dial.]

[ Lying would hurt him. Lying would hurt them both. Hurt him now and maybe that's for the best? A small pain to avoid a bigger one later. Rip off the plaster now, get it over with to protect him. He knows with Simon he could have the life he wanted. The life he used to want.

But he knows him. Fuck, he knows him, and he knows that look in his eyes. Send him back to Simon, and who really ends up happy? So it's simple, the answer. Simple and terrifying. He lifts a hand, before dropping it again, and speaking quietly. ]

I don't want you. [ he tries to make it stick ] I don't want you, Nate. There. Look. Does it make it easier?

[ but the lie can't even hold, he can't even try, because it's not right, is it? ]

No, it fucking doesn't, does it? Because you know the truth. You know, Nate. Come on.

I want you. [ a breath, and again with a little more conviction ] I want you.

[Even knowing him like he does, hearing him say that makes it feel like the floor has dropped out from beneath him. Doesn't want him. It echoes around him like all of his worst fears coming to life. But it doesn't last, and the relief is just as sweet as he could have ever imagined. Sweeter really. God, he wants to kiss him. But he knows he can't. Not until he makes this call.

So this time, he doesn't walk away. He just lifts his hand with his phone in it and presses his thumb to make the call.]

Simon? Yeah, hi, it's me. We...we need to talk. [He turns slightly, the muffled voice of the lawyer heard on the other end.] No, yeah- the show went fine. Yeah, I know you're with a client. I just... So I think we should see other people. [Silence] Hello? ...Right, yeah. No, we can talk about it later, sure. Tomorrow, yeah. [Shaking a little, he lowers the phone and ends the call.]

There, see? All taken care of. [Despite knowing it's the right choice, it's still not very fun at all, so he's looking a little shaken up.]

[ Matt can scarcely believe what he's watching. He didn't expect Nate to actually do it, but there he is, doing just that. By the time he puts the phone down, he's standing jaw open just staring back at him. ]

You split up with him. Nate you fucking idiot what did you do. For me? What did you-- You're an idiot, you're such an idiot.

[ But even as he's talking, he stepping forward, moving towards him, concern in his eyes, shock and just about every emotion he can find. ]

For me? You did that for me?

[He slides his phone into the back pocket of his jeans, still shaking and a little scared, but not regretting it. Not even a bit.]

I did that for me. But yeah... you too, I guess. [He gives him a slightly bashful smile.]