cravating | (no subject)

Oh. [He should have been the one thinking about that, or thinking about it enough to hold back, to not eagerly fling himself at his best friend at the first sign that maybe Matt's ready to admit that... But it doesn't matter what Matt's ready for, because Nate's the one already seeing someone. It's serious enough that they've talked about Nate moving in, after all. But he's held back, and instead he's here, looking at Matt and just hoping that he can hold on to whatever this is.]

He's not you. [Which isn't really an answer, but it also sort of is. Nate would give up anything, everything to see where this could go with Matt.]

But he loves you, doesn't he? Wants you to move in, you told me that.

[ And that's not to say he doesn't love him. The terrifying thing is he really does. But he can't tear his life apart, he can't have that again. ]

I'm a fucking mess, you know that. You deserve-- So much, Nate. Seriously, so much. I mean the best, you know.

You're a mess. [He agrees.] And he loves me, yeah. He's great. I really care about him, but Matt...

[It's not what he wants. Not when he really thinks about it. It's what he's supposed to want, sure. It's what his parents wanted for him- someone stable with a good job, someone that could help support him so he could continue working on his art. It made sense. It all fit together.

But all it would take was one word from Matt and he'd throw that away. Because it's not what he wants. It's what he would settle for. What he wants is this- a mess, a story that he doesn't know the ending to. He wants this more than he's ever wanted anything.]

[ He doesn't want Nate to give up his life for him. For him who would screw everything up. He'd make him sad, he knows, he'd hurt him. He does that enough without even trying. He would say things and make days hard. He isn't even sure if he could do this, after all he can barely even admit how he feels. Anything more feels like a long stretch away, how can he have Nate give up everything for a pile of maybes and what ifs. ]

But Matt nothing [ He stresses back. ] Let me fucking care, okay? I'm not going to let you jump off the edge of a cliff just because I'm already in the sea.

Look at me. [He says, rain dripping from his hair down into his face, his eyes so intensely serious.] What makes you think I didn't jump already? I know you're scared. I am too. But I'd rather have a day with you than a lifetime with anyone else.

[ It hurts how much he knows it. He knows it's true, that he made that leap ages ago. Maybe he could have stopped that once, but it was never really up to him.

It doesn't help of course that Nate's managed to just say one of the most romantic things he's ever heard. He's such a girl.

Only he's not, if he were this would be a hell of a lot easier. He speaks, and quietly, his eyes searching his face. ]

I'm looking at you.

[It feels like his heartbeat is thundering in his ears. This is scarier than anything else, wondering how this conversation could go.]

And what do you see?

[ He doesn't know how to answer, not in any way that he should, so when he does find words, they're sort of stupid and skirting the issue. ]

A twat that's asking me stupid questions.

Yeah, well- that's not going to stop anytime soon. [He can't help the way the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile.]

Better fucking not. [ Which... sort of makes no sense in the context of things, but fuck off he's emotional he's allowed. ]

It's raining. [ No shit. ]

Could still go to the gallery, if you'd like. [Which would still involve moving. And people around people on the tube. He doesn't want either of those things. He's scared that it will make Matt second guess all of this.]

You want to go to the gallery? [ He passes the buck fairly expertly, but at least if he's not making the decisions he can't get things wrong. ]

For a bit, yeah. Should be cleared out by now, so we wouldn't have to worry about people bothering us. Get out of the rain a bit too.

[He wants any excuse to keep seeing Matt tonight, honestly.]

It's not that far.

Okay

[ So they need to do the parting thing, right? He needs to step away from him. He doesn't for a moment, because he knows himself well, and what if he lets this shatter whatever resolve he's found himself with. He knows he could shut down, he knows he could say all the wrong things.

He closes his eyes for a second, as though that makes it easier, and then he steps back and to the side, gesturing a hand out to the space around for him to lead the way. ]

After you then. Let's go to this gallery of yours.

[The space between them feels massive. He hates it. And it takes a lot of willpower not to pull Matt right back towards him. Instead, he takes a shaky breath and steps away from the wall, giving Matt a small attempt at a smile and a nod before he walks down the alley. He shoves his hands into his pockets in an attempt to keep them to himself as they make their way towards the nearest tube station.

He doesn't say much as they walk. Nothing really. He just focuses on moving. Thankfully, they don't have to wait long before it arrives, so on they go. Nate moves to stand next to one of the poles, too nervous to sit. His hand wraps around it so he can keep his balance.]

I listened to the file you sent me. I'm glad you're still playing.

[ he feels like he should fill the silence somehow, but with what he's not quite sure. Small talk would have them talking about Simon again and he's about the last topic Matt wants to bring up. So he stays quiet, occasionally looking over towards him as they walk. Usually when he thinks it won't be seen.

On the underground Matt leans back against the glass partition, lazy and comfortable like he owns the place, like he always has a habit of doing. ]

Yeah well I'm kind of rusty. Almost gave it up completely. You know I got approached about an album deal? But well I fucked that one up didn't I.

[It's just plain rude how good he looks just leaning there. Nate doesn't know how he does it. And with the tshirt soaked and clinging to him, there's plenty for Nate to be distracted by right now. Fucking hell.]

Never too late, you know. Just need to get back out there.

Nah that ship has sailed. [ He still doesn't think he deserves it, no really, and after everything he's sort of scared to try.

It's funny how Nate looks at Matt having no idea Matt is looking right back. He looks like one of those models from a high fashion magazine, all high cheekbones and eyes that stare off into the middle distance. He can't help but notice too just how drenched he is. It makes him smirk. ]

You're soaked. You look like a drowned rat.

[Nate frowns, wanting to argue about the music thing, but not so sure if he should right now. Maybe he just needs time to get back into it. He's still playing. That's what's important.

The drowned rat comment distractions him a bit, causing him to look down, shaking out his hair a bit. Which probably hits Matt with a drop or two.]

You're one to talk.

[ he most definitely is one to talk, and he takes a look down at his sodden tshirt that is now partially see through. It might be obvious that since being with the Knights, Matt has been spending a fair bit of time in the gym. ]

Looks like we've got a wet tshirt competition going on. Who do you think will win?

[ he's teasing him in a way that feels natural, a way he always did. It always bordered on flirting but the difference is before it had always been so innocuous. He just used to enjoy flustering him ]

[He used to just get flustered. Now he's pretty sure Matt wouldn't mind him playing along. With his free hand, he slips the buttons of his coat so that he can shrug it off his shoulder. Removing it completely, he reveals that the rain did in fact soak through it, leaving large wet patches over his shirt. It was already a fairly snug fit, so there's quite the view here.

Nate's not exactly built, but he's got that lean look that really works for him.]

Might be a close call.

[ Matt watches him do his walk walk fashion baby, a brow raised and a wry smile to go with it. And... is he getting turned on? Fuck, he thinks he's getting turned on. Ok that's new. Even when they shagged he didn't really feel like he was getting turned on. Well ok he did, but not like that. More the heat of the moment stuff. This is new. Especially as he finds himself really noticing the way his nipples can be seen through the wet fabric.

He lifts a hand and wipes it over his face, shaking his head. ]

You're getting worse than I am. Someone's taught you bad habits, Mr Artiste.

Yeah, right terrible influence, that one. [He says with a little teasing smile of his own. He's watched Matt flirt plenty to know just what to say that he might. Not that he wants to be like Matt. It's what makes them different that makes this work. Or almost work. It could work.]

You complaining?

I look like I'm complaining?

[ He doesn't reach out, doesn't touch him or anything as grand as that, but it's remarkable, really, not only has he not run but their teasing like this where people could see. Oh it could be two friends joking, but the difference is that Matt knows it's so much more than that. ]

You know you best be careful. Those hipster natural fibres of yours, I bet they're all dry clean only.

I'll live. Some things are worth ruining a shirt over. [No one around them knows just what might have ruined it, but they do. And Nate's being more than a little bold to say as much out in public. He's trusting that Matt will be better with it this time, that he won't snap, won't lash out out of fear and anger.]

Next stop's ours.