cravating | (no subject)

[Nate just nods, but he also doesn't...move. He's afraid to break away, afraid that stepping away from this wall will mean dissolving whatever this is that they've built. It's nice. Complicated, but God it's nice. He briefly feels guilty, thinking about Simon and the way he definitely shouldn't be doing this while he's got a boyfriend. But. It's Matt. He can't imagine stopping himself for anything.]

Properly, yeah. I'd like that.

[He can't stop from staring at his mouth. This is a bit of a problem.]

[ The idea of going is good, of doing normal stuff that they need to do if they're ever going to get on. Normal stuff that probably shouldn't involve whatever this little thing was. He pretends to himself that its just getting it out of their system, but he knows that isn't true.

Trouble is of course getting there would involve things like moving away, walking and getting a tube or something and it feels like that would be almost impossible.

And then there's the fact that he can see where Nate's looking, that his gaze doesn't meet his but falls elsewhere. Is he thinking what he thinks he is? Fuck but it makes him want to kiss him again. He doesn't though, just looks at him, tries to read him and questions, as though he's addressing that gaze ]

What?

[The single word snaps him out of it, eyes flying back up to meet Matt's gaze. The pink on his cheeks is definitely from the cold and not at all embarrassment at being caught staring.]

Sorry. Was just- Well, you're sort of distracting, aren't you?

[ Matt's always known he's not bad to look at. It's something that he uses to his advantage fairly often, but he tries not to be too much of a prick about it. He used to tease a lot about Nate's 'crush' on him, because it was so much easier for it just to be that.

He starts to smirk a little, that Byrne glint in his eyes. ]

Well you know God was being generous the day they put me together. Can't be helped.

Certainly can't. [And he might be thinking about his one and only experience with the other ways God was 'generous' with Matt. Ahem.

His attraction to the man isn't purely physical but fuck if it doesn't help. Feeling bold, Nate presses forward to kiss him again, this time softly. The other two losses were rougher, needy, as if they had to do it quick before they lost their nerve. This is more of how Nate's always wanted to kiss him- gentle, passionate, saying all the things he couldn't with that simple action.]

[ He doesn't expect him to kiss him again. He doesn't really know why, he probably should considering. But it still manages to take him off guard, catch him eyes open and able to see him. The deer-in-the-headlights effect is still there, but a bit less this time, even if his heart beats so fast it almost hurts.

But this kiss, oh it's different, something else entirely, way more complicated than the others if such a thing could even be possible. It just makes him want him more, and confirms everything he already knows.

It's so easy to respond, easier than he ever could have thought. It isn't like before, not like that one night where he was drunk and off the rails. He's none of that now, and he finds himself returning the kiss, lips parted and breath quickening.

But he stops it, a hand to Nate's chest to push him just an inch or so back. ]

I'm not-- I can't do this to you. I'm not turning you into this.

[As he feels Matt's lips part for him, his heart jumps into his throat, thrilled to mirror the action, to deepen the kiss. His tongue gently caresses Matt's bottom lip, testing those waters, but a moment later, he's being pushed back. Nate's back hits the wall behind him, and his eyes open, hurt and confused.]

I don't..? Turn me into what?

Into someone who cheats.

[ For everything, Matt has some morals, or what he thinks should be. For all he likes to moan about Simon, he knows he's probably a good guy, and he knows even more than that that Nate's one of the best. He isn't the sort to cheat, he can't have him do that just because of him. ]

You've got Simon. [ But there's pain in even those words. He does have him, and Simon has Nate. That's not for him to come and tear down simply by existing, how is that fair on any of them? ]

Oh. [He should have been the one thinking about that, or thinking about it enough to hold back, to not eagerly fling himself at his best friend at the first sign that maybe Matt's ready to admit that... But it doesn't matter what Matt's ready for, because Nate's the one already seeing someone. It's serious enough that they've talked about Nate moving in, after all. But he's held back, and instead he's here, looking at Matt and just hoping that he can hold on to whatever this is.]

He's not you. [Which isn't really an answer, but it also sort of is. Nate would give up anything, everything to see where this could go with Matt.]

But he loves you, doesn't he? Wants you to move in, you told me that.

[ And that's not to say he doesn't love him. The terrifying thing is he really does. But he can't tear his life apart, he can't have that again. ]

I'm a fucking mess, you know that. You deserve-- So much, Nate. Seriously, so much. I mean the best, you know.

You're a mess. [He agrees.] And he loves me, yeah. He's great. I really care about him, but Matt...

[It's not what he wants. Not when he really thinks about it. It's what he's supposed to want, sure. It's what his parents wanted for him- someone stable with a good job, someone that could help support him so he could continue working on his art. It made sense. It all fit together.

But all it would take was one word from Matt and he'd throw that away. Because it's not what he wants. It's what he would settle for. What he wants is this- a mess, a story that he doesn't know the ending to. He wants this more than he's ever wanted anything.]

[ He doesn't want Nate to give up his life for him. For him who would screw everything up. He'd make him sad, he knows, he'd hurt him. He does that enough without even trying. He would say things and make days hard. He isn't even sure if he could do this, after all he can barely even admit how he feels. Anything more feels like a long stretch away, how can he have Nate give up everything for a pile of maybes and what ifs. ]

But Matt nothing [ He stresses back. ] Let me fucking care, okay? I'm not going to let you jump off the edge of a cliff just because I'm already in the sea.

Look at me. [He says, rain dripping from his hair down into his face, his eyes so intensely serious.] What makes you think I didn't jump already? I know you're scared. I am too. But I'd rather have a day with you than a lifetime with anyone else.

[ It hurts how much he knows it. He knows it's true, that he made that leap ages ago. Maybe he could have stopped that once, but it was never really up to him.

It doesn't help of course that Nate's managed to just say one of the most romantic things he's ever heard. He's such a girl.

Only he's not, if he were this would be a hell of a lot easier. He speaks, and quietly, his eyes searching his face. ]

I'm looking at you.

[It feels like his heartbeat is thundering in his ears. This is scarier than anything else, wondering how this conversation could go.]

And what do you see?

[ He doesn't know how to answer, not in any way that he should, so when he does find words, they're sort of stupid and skirting the issue. ]

A twat that's asking me stupid questions.

Yeah, well- that's not going to stop anytime soon. [He can't help the way the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile.]

Better fucking not. [ Which... sort of makes no sense in the context of things, but fuck off he's emotional he's allowed. ]

It's raining. [ No shit. ]

Could still go to the gallery, if you'd like. [Which would still involve moving. And people around people on the tube. He doesn't want either of those things. He's scared that it will make Matt second guess all of this.]

You want to go to the gallery? [ He passes the buck fairly expertly, but at least if he's not making the decisions he can't get things wrong. ]

For a bit, yeah. Should be cleared out by now, so we wouldn't have to worry about people bothering us. Get out of the rain a bit too.

[He wants any excuse to keep seeing Matt tonight, honestly.]

It's not that far.

Okay

[ So they need to do the parting thing, right? He needs to step away from him. He doesn't for a moment, because he knows himself well, and what if he lets this shatter whatever resolve he's found himself with. He knows he could shut down, he knows he could say all the wrong things.

He closes his eyes for a second, as though that makes it easier, and then he steps back and to the side, gesturing a hand out to the space around for him to lead the way. ]

After you then. Let's go to this gallery of yours.

[The space between them feels massive. He hates it. And it takes a lot of willpower not to pull Matt right back towards him. Instead, he takes a shaky breath and steps away from the wall, giving Matt a small attempt at a smile and a nod before he walks down the alley. He shoves his hands into his pockets in an attempt to keep them to himself as they make their way towards the nearest tube station.

He doesn't say much as they walk. Nothing really. He just focuses on moving. Thankfully, they don't have to wait long before it arrives, so on they go. Nate moves to stand next to one of the poles, too nervous to sit. His hand wraps around it so he can keep his balance.]

I listened to the file you sent me. I'm glad you're still playing.

[ he feels like he should fill the silence somehow, but with what he's not quite sure. Small talk would have them talking about Simon again and he's about the last topic Matt wants to bring up. So he stays quiet, occasionally looking over towards him as they walk. Usually when he thinks it won't be seen.

On the underground Matt leans back against the glass partition, lazy and comfortable like he owns the place, like he always has a habit of doing. ]

Yeah well I'm kind of rusty. Almost gave it up completely. You know I got approached about an album deal? But well I fucked that one up didn't I.

[It's just plain rude how good he looks just leaning there. Nate doesn't know how he does it. And with the tshirt soaked and clinging to him, there's plenty for Nate to be distracted by right now. Fucking hell.]

Never too late, you know. Just need to get back out there.