cravating | (no subject)

[ He's holding his hand, and that's somehow harder than the ear biting and thigh rubbing. It's emotional, and to admit he has feelings for him is so hard. It goes against how he was brought up, even by the good people in his life. ]

It was me though. [ he frowns a bit. he wishes it wasn't but he knows it was. ]

I'm capable of that. I wish it was some fucking demon or something, something that took over me, apart from the drink. But it wasn't. It was me. And I did that to the most fucking important person in my life. I could have killed you. If I didn't stop when I did then I would have. Two more hits, they said. Just two.

[Just hearing him talk about it, Nate can't help but let his eyes close briefly, jaw clenching and his hand tightening around Matt's by reflex.]

Yeah, but you didn't. [His voice is quieter.] I'm here, alright? And you're not going to do it again.

[ He looks at him, eyes on his, chest rising and falling and feeling that grip and everything it means. There's a lot of mess here, none of it easy to clear up. But it's important, all of it. He knows.

And maybe that's why he takes it upon him himself to lean in and initiate a kiss himself. Small, but there, lips to lips, nervous, but god full of every fucking messed up emotion he has. ]

I'm really glad you text me tonight.

[It's a small thing, but for Matt to do that on his own? It's huge. And Nate recognizes it, appreciates it. And his heart beat a little faster for it.]

Me too. [He whispers, his gaze lifting to meet Matt's, keeping close.]

This is our stop. [He adds as they slow to a stop. He moves to stand and... doesn't let go of Matt's hand. He'll leave that one up to him.]

[ Matt lets go of his hand. It isn't that he doesn't want to be close, it's just... one step at a time. He's doing his best, and he'll get there, he hopes. He hopes. Instead, he shoves his hands in his pockets. ]

We really did get soaked in that rain [ he laughs as they walk up through the station and out, how had they not really registered it? ]

[Nate does his best not to look disappointed. He knows it can't all happen at once. But he likes the hand holding part. He wants to do more of that.]

No shit. [He laughs a bit as they head up to the street. The sound of rain greets them.] Not about to let up any time soon, is it?

Is your place far? [ He frowns, leaving the confines of the underground station ]. Mind you, we'll just have to get you out of those wet things when we get you back, won't we?

Not too far. [He turns down to the left and heads down the street, feeling like this is so familiar and also totally new all at once.]

Same goes for you, doesn't it? Those jeans are soaked through and that shirt?

Yeah you know it's right through to my underwear I think. Might have to get rid of that too. Shame, eh?

[ He grins a bit as he follows after him. It's so natural to be with him that he makes this feel not as weird as it could. He might not feel that way the further they get, but he thinks perhaps it just might feel right. ]

Fucking Christ... [He mutters under his breath because of course Matt can turn it around just like that without even batting an eye.] Yeah, just might need to get rid of it all. Could get the shower going to warm us up?

[Turn about is fair play, sir.]

[ And there's that delighted grin again that he got a reaction. Really he could keep up with that all night. ]

Oh I can think of a thing or two to get the blood flowing.

Could you? Mind sharing with the class? [So far he hasn't actually... said anything. He's just teased at it. Nate's curious just what sort of ideas he's got about what they're going to be doing.]

[ Ah well there's the crux of it. Matt's all talk, but he's hardly an expert on fucking men, in truth? He hasn't got a clue. He's just going with the flow here and hoping things just work out. He could keep up the bravado, but he knows, Nate knows him better. So he looks at him and laughs, shaking his head. ]

I really haven't got a clue, you know. You're kind of my tour guide. And hey, you loved that when we went to the Lake District.

[The honesty is just really refreshing, honestly. He's seen Matt really play up the act with girls before, and while he's always sweet to them, he can really be just a confident asshole when he wants to be.]

I'll take care of it, don't you worry. [Approaching his building, Nate slows to a stop.]

Oh, fuck.

I'll hold you to it [ he smiles a little as he talks, glancing down before those two words have him lifting his head sharply back up. ]

What? What's wrong?

[He gestures to a car parked up ahead.]

Simon's car. Shit, he must have... fuck. [He really doesn't like confrontation, especially after the incident with Matt. It makes him jittery as hell.]

[ Who the fuck drives in London... and look at that showy thing is what Matt thinks, but manages not to actually say because even he knows that insulting the boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) isn't the best thing to be doing right now.

Of course this has happened though, of course his boyfriend would come after him, worries. He probably wants to be all rational and shit, and if there's one thing he knows? If he sees him, he'll flip his lid.

Pretty much nobody wants Matt in Nate's life, and he can understand why. Friends is bad enough but more? Well nobody would even expect that. He knows Nate didn't tell a wide group of people what happened, only those in the pub that night that probably hadn't all believed it anyway. ]

I should-- I should go. You don't need me here, I'll just make it worse.

[All the worst scenarios keep playing in Nate's head, but the only one he can't stand to think about? Is the one where Matt leaves, because he's almost positive he won't come back. Not for a long while, at least.]

Please stay. [He pleads, reaching a hand out but not touching him. He just...needs to know this isn't going to fall apart.]

Wait here if you'd like. I'm going to talk to him, send him home. Just...wait here, okay?

[He doesn't move to leave until he hears Matt's response, though. He needs assurance that he'll be here when he gets back.]

[ He can see the panic in Nate's eyes. He never used to seem so easily on edge, and he expects that's his fault, after everything. He steps forward, reaching a hand up and setting it against Nate's arm. ]

Nate just... [ he sighs ] Go in. Go back to your boyfriend. He's worried about you. He doesn't need to know I was here, okay? Just... text me, let me know you're okay. But I shouldn't be here.

Please don't do this, Matt. I don't... I don't know if I can manage this without you, alright?

[Knowing Matt's waiting would help him stay on topic, not let Simon get him chatting too much, not allow him to get too emotional.]

Don't run away from this, from me. I just need to talk to him. Please.

I'm not... Nate, I promise I'm not. But it's not right, is it. It's not you, off dumping someone while the other one waits outside.

[ His hand grips his arm a little tighter, and his eyes seek out his gaze. ]

Look at me, okay. I'm not running. I'm just trying to help. If he finds out I'm here, then things will get nasty. You know they will.

He won't find out. I won't say anything, just-- [Oh god he can't stop himself from getting a little worked up, voice cracking as a few tears slip free. It all mingles with the rain. And unfortunately, he's not really keeping his voice down, is he?

In the distance, there's the sound of a car door closing and soft footsteps jogging across the street.

"Nate! I really think we should-- What's he doing here?" Simon wasn't the type to jump to anger, but he's definitely not pleased to see Matt there. He mostly looks confused as hell, though.]

[ It's proof enough there, Nate isn't a liar, he isn't the sort to hide things, and there he is already doing it. And oh fuck he's crying. Matt would do anything to stop that. He's about to say something when Simon appears, and he looks over Nate's shoulder at him.

Oh shit.

He tries not to bristle at the fact he calls him Nate. That's his name for him. The guy who introduced himself as Nathaniel, shortened it to Nathan, and reminded him that 'Nate' isn't his name the first few times. It's his name, so why is this prick using it? Okay Matt, not the time or place, and don't get angry over something like that. He tries to remind himself, stay calm, don't get angry. ]

Look he just wanted to show me his paintings.

[Simon looks doubly confused by that, but it doesn't even cross his mind that anything would be going on between them. He knows what Matt did, but not why. Not the whole story, anyway. He just knows that Matt has a temper and should probably be in prison after what he did. Giving him a cautious look, he focuses his attention on Nate, who is already shaking his head.]

I said we could talk tomorrow, Simon. I can't do this right now.

["Sweetheart, please...what did I do? Is it because I missed the show? Babe, you know I wanted to be there. I just couldn't." He feels awkward as hell having this conversation with Matt right here but he's going to have it no matter who's around, basically.]

It's not-! It's not that... I mean, maybe it partly is. I don't know. It's nothing you did, no one thing anyway. I just... I can't do this.

[He casts a quick look to Matt, as if trying to make sure that he's still there, that he hasn't gone.]

[ Oh well, he finds he likes it even less hearing him call him sweetheart and babe. It makes him grit his teeth, pushing away the anger. ]

Nate go inside. Have this conversation there. Look at the bloke, come on, this isn't what you want to do.

[ Whether he sounds reasonable or not, Simon doesn't want to hear it, and so he gives a rather stern glare in his direction. "We don't need your input, thank you. Now leave before I phone the police."

Matt scoffs. ]

For what? Standing in a street?